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free time costs a lot

Journal Entry: Tue Jun 1, 2010, 9:16 AM


for almost a month now i wanted to go out,grab a coffee, and read an art book that i'll buy.
but that's not going to  happen =^=

again i just felt like witting a journal cuz i wanna get things off my mind, i don't really like to think of things because i tend to think way too much(and start to think wrong things about a certain stuff or i'll think of my mistakes and scold my self again).

plus school's going to start less than 2 weeks from now, and i think i wont get free time when schools starts.
why do i want to go out anyways...? no i wont be (probably) meeting anyone; everybody's busy....
i just wan to get all the negative things on my mind out cuz i feel really un easy... guuu=.=

aha i think getting the art book will be just fine, i could ask someone at home to make coffee for me anyways or i could buy coffee from the convenient store (i love coffee but i don't know and probably wont learn how to mix it, because if i do i'll probably mix a liter each day and die )but i think it's nice just chilling in a cafe.

the art book i've been eying on for quite a while now is comickers art #4 ( i think) which contains linearts you can color. i'm not sure if there is a colored version of the illustrations in the mag.

*sigh* nothing fills my mind but anime and manga; i feel like I'm being left behind by time, colored in sepia while everybody else is in multi color. I think I'm a person who'd do best blindly following someone else's foot steps than nonchalantly making my own, i never really put much effort in anything anymore, i feel soo old.
like what i've read or watched, there this character who sees the world drenched in gray, and  then someone shows up and made his world bright; i wish that would happen...

..I'm not good with words i just use any word i could think of that would sound nice with the other words in the sentence, this feels so embarrassing i could never tell this to anyone straight haha but the heck i'll still push the submit button because i can.
if someone replies i wont be able to see their faces and i wont be able to hear their voices, i'll just read their words assuming that this person is feeling what i think he is feeling when i read the message; not knowing if it was a  lie or the person feels another feeling than what i had imagine through the words, it feels more comfortable but it's me just escaping what reality really is like.
all i've done up to now made me think i'm just escaping hardships and make less effort as i can. some people would know i really like something and want me to pursue it but i know it's trouble some doing so so i don't do anything, thinking of the challenges i may encounter doing so in my head is ok for me, it contents me.i don't want giving all my efforts out and one day find out that all of those are for nothing.
lately i can't even do things without the proper amount of motivation.
i just let things flow and wait untill anything comes, I'm so pathetic...
i wont progress with this, i'll end up blaming myself for things i should have done. i'll just  blame myself over and over cuz probably at that time i couldn't so anything but blame myself...

guhh=.= emo journal is bad...

  • Eating: black lollipops
Synchro593 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010
Awe, don't put yourself down so much! I know what you mean about motivation... **eyes her uncolored comic pages stacked up on an adjacent table** :paranoid:

But there's always another day! There's always time to try something new and start what you need to. I don't expect you to believe me, but I truly think you can do anything you want to as long as you give it a hard enough shot. I know people in their 80's who have seriously gone back to school! Telling yourself you're not good enough or that it's too late wont get you anywhere. If you need some help, I bet you could find someone who would know how to lend you a hand.

I probably can't do much, but I'm almost done with your Crei picture at least. :hug: Cheers!~:heart:
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Submitted on
June 1, 2010